Online Discovery!: Vaisnava Family Resources
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Sunday, 13 July 08 - 12:48 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Today I discovered a great devotee resource:
http://www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org
This is a website dedicated to providing guidance and insight into achieving a healthy marriage and family situation, set up by a grass roots volunteer group of Krishna devotees who are mental health or educational professionals.
Today I read several articles including:
12 Principles and Values behind a Krishna Conscious Family Life
"Subjective Reality" in Relationships
A Potential Spouse: 7 Important Qualities to Look For
Eight Principles of Prosperity
Strong Marriages Have These 6 Vital Ingredients
I found each of these articles to be concise and insightful, as well as balanced and mature in the advice they offer. They are well written, combining the wisdom and values of Krishna Consciousness with the best of modern relationship psychology and counselling.
This is great to see, and gives me a lot of confidence in the future of the Hare Krishna Movement. To me this is yet another indicator that the Krishna Conscious Society is stabilizing into a healthy and sustainable state after it's explosive birth and rough adolescence, so to speak.
When an organism is healthy, growth is automatic. Similarly, when the community of devotees is healthy and vibrant, it becomes naturally attractive to people, and they desire to be a part of it. Thus:
"A healthy community will grow, naturally" (Rick Warren)
Words of Wisdom Re: Traditional Gender Roles and Modern Application
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Friday, 27 June 08 - 02:22 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Man of Steel and Velvet - Book Description
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Friday, 27 June 08 - 01:36 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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To a great extent men have failed to assume the primary responsibility of providing bread for their tables. Women must come to the rescue. Every day millions of them leave their households to assist in earning the living. The working mother is more the rule than the exception. The deterioration and loss of effectiveness in so many homes is in great part a consequence of the neglect resulting from the mother deserting her post, a situation she often laments but can do nothing about.
Lack of chivalry is apparent on every hand. Of necessity, women must take care of themselves. They change their own tires, wash the automobiles, mow the lawn, repair the furnace, paint the house and lift heavy objects. Where are the men waiting to offer masculine assistance?
From the Publisher
Man of Steel and Velvet describes in a simple and forthright way what it takes to be a man. At a time when few clear cut answers are given, the reader will find it refreshing and inspiring to see a sensible, understandable and workable guide for masculine fulfillment.
Man of Steel and Velvet
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Friday, 27 June 08 - 01:20 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Steel:
1. guide, protector, provider
2. builder of society
3. masculinity
4. character
5. confidence
6. health
Velvet:
1. understands women
2. gentleness
3. attentiveness
4. youthfulness
5. humility
6. refinement
The book begins with the steel qualities which, these principles will not change and are the foundation upon which a man must build his masculinity and make the most of his life. Of course, it then rounds out with the velvet qualities, which Mr Andelin points out that a man with these velvet qualities only is "sissified." And Jesus is used as the perfect example of steel and velvet. It's a 310 page read written several decades ago. Not an easy read outside of the pride issue. I am so thankful for my husbands willingness to serve and lead. The best leaders and husbands that I personally know have read this book, so I am very excited for our marriage and family. And to honor my husband, I am beginning my thorough read of Fascinating Womanhood again-this time I'll finish it...but mine is thicker...is that bonus points?!"
Feminine Traits Attractive to Men
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Friday, 27 June 08 - 12:37 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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- Who the person is – name, form, qualities and activities – this is what initially attracts us to a person – we are charmed and attracted by who the person is.
- How the person behaves in relationship to us – these are the attitudes and behaviours that the person has in relation to us that have the potential to transform the attraction into a deep sense of love as a couple.
Sincere Commitment Touches the Heart
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Monday, 23 June 08 - 11:28 AM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Commitment – the foundation of an ‘Ashram’
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Saturday, 21 June 08 - 11:11 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Masculine Traits Attractive to Women
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Saturday, 14 June 08 - 01:03 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Studies show that women are attracted when they perceive the following traits in a man:
- Strength
- Power (social influence)
- Money (economic capacity)
- Intelligence
All of the above translate into ‘SECURITY’
Women are primarily attracted by displays of STENGTH in men.
Strength and awareness of it leads to confidence, which is another primary attractive quality that women subconsciously look for in men. There are various ways that a man can possess and display strength:
Physical – He is strong and healthy in body. Being tall, broad shouldered and muscular all enhance the image of physical strength.
Mental/Intellectual – He possesses sharp and dynamic thinking capablities. He can figure out what to do and how to do it. He is capable.
Social – He has a respectable social standing, power and influence. Other people like and respect him.
Emotional – He is not afraid to feel and acknowledge his feelings, but does not become overwhelmed by them to the point that he can no longer function rationally. He is strong and self-reliant in his emotional forbearance. He sticks to his duty no matter how he is feeling. He lives with enthusiasm and feeling. He is loving (able to love). He has a good sense of humour.
Moral/Character – He is a ‘good’ man, possessed of honourable qualities such as kindness, responsibility, compassion and integrity. He stands up for what he feels to be 'right'.
Spiritual – He looks to God for shelter and inspiration. He has aspirations beyond the mundane sphere, and thus maintains a degree of detachment to things of worldly nature. He is able control and discipline his lower nature in deference to his higher function as a spiritual being. He is possessed of spiritual wisdom. (Such spiritual strength gives a certain depth and infallibility to a man’s character and determination that far exceeds any other display of strength – his strength comes from his allegiance to godliness).
ALPHA BHAVA:
Scientist tell us that on a primal level, women are genetically programmed for attraction to the:
ALPHA MALE! – the most powerful male figure in a given social group. He displays the emotional state of confidence in his strength, abilities and influence over others in his environment. He is the ‘leader of his tribe’ ;-)
Thoughts on the Classical Male/Female Dynamic
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Friday, 13 June 08 - 01:05 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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In my research into the male/female dynamic, a certain theme seems to arise again and again. Although this theme is obviously prevalent in traditional cultures of the old world, it is likely to cause a knee-jerk push-back to those of us conditioned by a more contemporary worldview. Still, when we scratch the surface, we see similar ideas arising in moden studies of relationship/attraction psychology:
Classically stated:
Man desires to dominate and woman desires to be predominated.
Re-stated in language that may less offend our contemporary, politically-correct sensibilities:
A man desires an attractive and graceful woman who makes him feel powerful, admired, appreciated.
A woman wants to feel desired, cherished, loved and protected by a strong and confident man.
Therefore, in the traditions of the 'old world', feminine traits that were considered to naturally draw out displays of strength, confidence, leadership and chivalry in men included: shyness, submission, devotion, admiration, appreciation, respect, gratitude and chastity.
The idea is, that when a woman displays these attitudes in relation to the man in her life, she supports his self-confidence and effectively grants him permission to lead in the relationship. Thus, feeling confident, admired, trusted and relied upon, a man is empowered in his self confidence and feels emotions of love and a motivating sense of responsibility.
Naturally, men feel good when women are loving, devoted and respectful in their attitudes toward them, expressing appreciation, gratitude and admiration for their efforts and character.
In order for a woman to naturally feel these things towards a man, it is important for her to feel loved, cherished, understood, and supported by him.
To draw out these attitudes in a woman, a man must actually be ‘respectable’ in his conduct, and at the same time, he should not be too attached or weak or emotionally dependent upon her.
When a man displays competence, self-sufficiency, and a cool self-assurance in his own abilities and worth, the woman in his life will naturally admire and appreciate him as a source of strength and security.
Problems in this traditional dynamic between men and women occur when:
- The woman is excessively possessive of the man. This communicates to him that he is not trusted to be consistent. More so, it communicates insecurity and neediness, which is inherently un-attractive to both genders.
- The woman is too forceful, dominating, or demanding (nagging) in her conduct, or she belittles him. This communicates to the man that he is not respected, trusted and admired by her. His male ego is injured and he loses his loving feelings and motivation in the relationship.
- The man is too harsh, aloof or critical of the woman. This communicates to the woman that she is not loved, valued, or understood by him. She loses her ability to respect him, and closes herself to him out of fear of being hurt further.
- The man is too submissive to the woman. He displays symptoms of excessive emotional attachment to her, an inability to hold his will against hers, clings to her, and basically does not take the lead in the relationship. She loses respect for him. More so, it communicates to her that he is insecure and in need of her validation, which is inherently un-attractive to both genders.
If men and women desire this traditional dynamic in their relationship, 3 factors need to be taken into consideration:
- The man needs to be, in actuality, respectable to the woman: If a man is with a woman who excels him in many areas, he will begin to lose confidence and it will be difficult for him to lead in the relationship. If the woman is in fact in a superior position by nature, she will find it very difficult to ‘look up’ to him. And in such a case for her to do so would be contrived. Because of the ego-dynamic, this situation will cause strain in the relationship even without any other cause. (It is interesting to note in this regard that in the Vedic scriptures it is recommended that a man marry a girl who is equal to or less that him in the varna system - the natural social hierarchy - and who is younger in age. These guidelines seem to recommend that a man be slightly senior by nature to the woman whom he marries so she will naturally look up to and admire him).
- The man must lead motivated by an attitude of care and with a sense of responsibility, and not from a desire to control and exploit. If the man’s motivations are excessively selfish, this will be detected and a woman will be unwilling to subject herself to his leadership in the relationship. Instead she will become stubborn and unresponsive, due to not feeling loved and valued by him.
- The woman should consciously make efforts to develop attitudes of admiration, appreciation, gratitude and respect towards him. In this way she will effectively grant him permission to take the leadership role in the relationship. Otherwise, if she is too obstinate and haughty, he will find it more difficult to lead and may give up. These attitudes may or may not arise naturally in a woman, but in any case, if she desires to support the strength, confidence and leadership of her man, and to not pinch the flow of his natural affection, she should practice them as a matter of mental discipline. (Feminist attitudes that cause a woman to forcefully reject a man’s natural desire to protect and cherish her, due to perceiving his attitude as a desire to control and exploit her, destroys the man’s sense of confidence and thus his masculine loving capacity is diminished).
Classical Gender Traits
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Tuesday, 10 June 08 - 12:50 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Here is an interesting table I found:
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FEMININE |
MASCULINE |
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Gentle |
Strong |
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Sensitive |
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compassionate, sympathetic, |
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tender, understanding, |
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warm and yielding |
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Soft |
Muscular |
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Nurturing |
Provider |
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Graceful |
Powerful |
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Communicative |
Can be aloof, quiet, stoic |
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Intuitive |
Logical, analytical |
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Emotional |
Rational |
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Homemaker |
Homebuilder |
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Close, warm, motherly |
Perhaps distant, an ideal to look up to, |
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to emulate |
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Quiet |
Outspoken |
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Passive / receptive |
Active, assertive, aggressive, courageous |
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Bold |
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Family and inwardly oriented |
Society oriented, achievement driven |
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Responsive |
Initiating, leading |
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Cooperative |
Competitive |
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Conservative |
Decisive, dominant, forceful, independent, |
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individualistic, self-reliant, and adventurous, |
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willing to take risks |
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Power |
Authority |
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What do you think? Out-moded and contrived? Or founded in nature?
Gender Roles within Society – Part 2
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Sunday, 08 June 08 - 07:20 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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Now envision a post-industrial society….
The development of machines has changed the way human beings relate to the daily work of living in the material world.
Work that, in times past, would take a team of 10 men a week to complete, such as digging a well, can now be performed in a single day by a single man sitting in the cockpit of a digging machine.
Food production has also changed with the invention of machines such as automated ploughs and harvesters. Grains are threshed in factories by machines and transported in bulk by motorised vehicles.
In fact, the agricultural side of human life in its entirety is now performed by a few men piloting machines, and is owned and managed by corporate bodies who sit in the executive offices of skyscraper buildings far away in huge sprawling metropolises of concrete and steal.
The bulk of the human population moved off the land a long time ago, allured by the spectacle, convenience and consumer opportunities of city life.
Gone are the days when a man would work the land, build and maintain his own home, and perform a wide variety of handy tasks.
Gone are the days when a woman would stay at home to raise her children, sew and knit clothes for her family, bake her own bread and make her own jams.
Now men and women alike work in offices in the cities, trained to micro-specialisation.
Food comes from the supermarket. Preparing a meal is simply a matter of opening a few jars and plastic bags, assembling the contents and heating it in a convenient heating device.
Clothes of all fashions and varieties are available in huge stores lit by countless rows of florescent lights – it’s all mass-produced by the millions in factories far away in a land called ‘China’. It’s much cheaper and easier that way – it saves time, and that’s good because there is lots to watch on television, at the movies and on the internet. You can experience dramas of all varieties – sex, war, comedy and tragedy, without getting up from your chair!
Physical strength is no longer necessary. Of course men still work out and eat whey isolate protein powders made from the milk of factory bred, genetically enhanced cows, because muscles increase sex appeal you know! And everyone wants to look like a movie star…
But really, there is no need to be strong. All cars come with power steering and electric windows to make it physically easy. Heavy lifting is done by cranes and conveyors. Everything, in fact, is done with the help of machines!
There are no longer wild animals to worry about, and law and order can be dialled up on a telephone. The government protects us now, and even puts money into our online bank accounts if we suffer temporary unemployment in the machinery of society. And if you are still worried, mail order yourself a handgun from the Internet.
We have drilled deep into the earth and put rockets into space. You can speak to your friend on the other side of the globe via a cell phone that’ll fit into your shirt pocket.
Gender Roles?! We rejected all that nonsense last century! It became quite unnecessary you know! Why restrict women or men with archaic, socially defined roles and expected codes of behaviour? The idea is barbaric. Let each human being enjoy their life as they see fit. Money is the only religion these days, and economic growth. So tailor your own identity, do your best to get ahead, and be sure to vote in those politicians who have ambitions to corner the dwindling natural recourses of the Earth for the use of our economically defined nation
…
The point here, of course, is to paint a picture of our modern social and economic setting and to illustrate how the roles of men and woman are no longer defined by differences in bodily constitution and concomitant suitability to certain kinds of work.
Even the suggestion that men and women should specialise into certain social roles is considered an abuse of freedom. “Let everyone have equal opportunity and choose for him/herself!”
Unfortunately the result of all this ‘choice’ and lack of gender definition has led to a great deal of confusion.
Sexual attraction between the genders remains as it has always been, and is easily gratified without social restraint. And the dream of romantic fulfilment still looms large in the hearts and minds of men and women alike.
The reality, however, is that divorce rates are soaring, families are falling apart, and men and women are frustrated to discover why ‘love’ does not endure between them…
In considering all this and researching various theories on the subject of sexual attraction, romance and marriage, both classical and contemporary, one might come to the conclusion, that despite the advancement of technology and the blurring of gender distinctions that is characteristic of our modern society, at some basic level, men remain men and women remain women.
Indeed, beneath the socially fuzzy surface, there is still a lot of reality in the classical gender typologies.
Despite the fact that the contemporary woman is encouraged to forge ahead with her own ambition in the world, to prove her own strength and stand to up for herself, not accepting any condescension from men, she is still attracted by men who display the masculine qualities of strength, power, capability, rationality and boldness. At heart a woman still desires to be loved and cherished by such a man.
And while a man is encouraged to be sensitive and ‘new age’, deep down he still desires the respect and admiration of a softhearted, sweet natured woman who he can feel he is protecting and providing for.
Unfortunately, while there remains a subconscious longing of both men and women for a certain flavour generated via an affectionate exchange between the genders, its realisation is confused and frustrated by so much contrary social conditioning.
Thus men and women alike enter marriage or the semblance of such, with the hope of attaining some kind of promised rasa (flavour of inter-personal exchange), but due to confused ideas of how to behave as men and women in a manner that draws out the desired emotional response in each other, they fail to achieve it. In this way frustration abounds and conjugal relationships fail to endure.
Gender Roles within Society – Part 1
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Sunday, 08 June 08 - 07:05 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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In previous eras of human civilisation, gender roles were much more defined than they are today.
As an illustrative thought experiment, picture yourself in a pre-industrial society…
There is no electricity, no motorcars, no government funded social welfare system that automatically transfers money into your online bank account each week should you find yourself unemployed.
When the sun goes down in the evening, it is dark and cold. There is no ambient glow from city lights, only the majestic canopy of the starry night sky; crisp and immediate in an age pre-dating air pollution.
Homes are lit and warmed by open fires, and water is drawn from wells or carried from a nearby natural water source. Food is obtained by toil in the field or, in less civilised societies, by hunting animals.
The basic activities of daily life take much time and energy – chopping wood for the fire, tilling the field, threshing grain, carrying water, cooking and cleaning, building and maintaining living structures, raising children; nurturing, disciplining and educating them…
Now picture a family in such an era – a young husband and wife, with 2 small children.
The woman, being naturally weaker in frame and less suited to physical toil and hardship, yet more emotionally sensitive and nurturing in her nature, is obviously best suited to activities within the home, such as looking after the children, cooking, cleaning and looking after the family’s clothing and linin.
The man, being naturally robust in frame, and endowed with energy and ambition, is best suited to establishing the environmental context for the family, i.e. maintaining the physical structure of the home, and providing the food and other economic necessities.
The man appreciates the women’s soft, nurturing nature, which keeps him inspired in his hard work to protect and provide for the family, and enjoys coming home after a hard day of toil in the world, to a warm, clean, decorated living space, and sharing a meal, cooked by his wife, in the company of her and the children.
The woman also appreciates the masculine nature of her husband: the way he works hard to provide for the family and to shelter them from the harsh elements of the world. She admires the way he plays with the children, teaching and disciplining them when need arises. And she appreciates his love and affection, and his emotional strength which supports and reassures her when she feels vulnerable and down.
In such a situation the distinction in gender roles and the division of labour between them seems natural and obvious.
It is not possible for the mother, with the responsibility of young children who are constantly dependent upon her, to survive without the assistance and support of her husband, at least not without great struggle.
Add the threat of rouges and bandits, rival tribes or nations, even wild animals, and it is obvious that the protection of a strong man is certainly desirable to a woman and her children.
Mate Selection
Picture a young woman in the above pre-industrial setting. She is approaching biological maturity and, quite naturally, desires to marry and have children of her own. What qualities would she aspire for in a man?
Naturally she desires a secure and protected future home situation. Thus she is drawn to strength in men, to a responsible, capable nature, and, if possible, someone who will love and cherish her.
Picture a young man in our pre-industrial village. He has also is come of age. He has grown to notice the beauty and allure of the opposite sex, yet he knows that in the village, physical intimacy with women is socially forbidden outside of marriage.
He has envisioned his own future family life: a home lit up by the beauty of a young wife and children and warm loving dealings between them.
Naturally he appreciates the smiling glances of the young women of the village. They are charming in their eagerness, yet covered with the restraint of shyness and modesty, which only lends them an extra-special fascination. The female energy seems soft and almost sacred in its tenderness and grace. It is alien, yet fascinating and alluring.
He desires to possess the affection of one of these charming and seemingly vulnerable women, to protect and provide for her needs, and to feel her joy as his own. That would give purpose and meaning to all his manly toil and ambition.
In this scenario, it is easy to understand the classically defined distinctions between men and women. In the modern age, however, our relationship to the natural world and the work of daily living has changed drastically, largely due to the influence of technology, and thus gender roles are no longer necessarily defined by the same realities.
Sexual Attraction, Romance, and Marriage
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Friday, 06 June 08 - 11:27 PM (GMT +11:00) By Tri-yuga das in Human Relationships |
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I am 27 years old now, and have reached a point where I am increasingly considering marriage and the grihasta ashram. To this end I have been doing a lot of thinking and research to understand the dynamics of male/female interactions from many angles of vision, including Vedic, classical and contemporary. I am looking at the classical masculine and feminine character traits, and the patterns of attraction between them, from the level of primal and unconscious instinctual attraction, to the qualities that men and women consciously look for in life partners. I am also looking at the institution of marriage, it’s dynamics, both in it’s healthy condition as well as in it’s many states of dysfunction, it’s intended function, both for the individuals as well as the couple; it’s worldly and spiritually purposes.
I am finding this topic most fascinating, and will likely write several posts on it, as there is much to be said and considered. The ideas presented here by me are but crystallised conjecture, and I would very much be interested in any feedback, comments, elaborations and discussions, put forward by anyone who happens to read these posts.
SEX AND BIOLOGY
From a biological view point, males in a species look for sexually attractive and healthy (indicating good genes) females on order to spread their seed. On a primal level they are not concerned with much more than this. Their primary drive is to spread their seed (genes) as far and wide as possible, i.e. impregnate as many females as possible.
Females in species, however, biologically speaking, are instinctively much more concerned with quality over quantity. Their primary genetic programming is to give birth to high quality offspring. For females sex culminates in pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing, and there are definite limits to how many offspring she can bare and nurture. Thus females are usually preoccupied with the quest to find the perfect male to father their children, rather than seeking many mates.
When it comes to human beings, whose offspring have a significantly longer period of dependency (generally 15+ years) men and women tend to enter into long term relationships with one another to create ‘families’, or social units for cooperative child raising.
From the point when a woman becomes heavily pregnant, right through the early stages of her child’s life, she is bound with responsibility of caring for the child who is completely dependent upon her. With such responsibility and demands upon her time and energy, and in the absence of artificial support structures for ‘single mothers’, a young mother has insufficient free time and energy to perform the functions of providing for herself and her child. Thus she is dependent upon the father of her child to provide the necessities of food, clothes and shelter for herself and the child. Thus a woman tend to be attracted to strong males who can protect and provide, as well as supply good quality genetic material.
By natures arrangement the human male is naturally inclined to such work, which he willingly performs, and in the process feels gratified in his role of protector and provider. Such a cooperative arrangement between a man and a woman has traditionally institutionalised as marriage.
MARRIAGE AS A SOCIAL INSTITUTION
Marriage also has the function of socially enforcing the responsibility of a man who desires sexual relations with a particular woman, in as much as he is expected to ‘follow through’ and be responsible for raising the child/ren he has fathered. In the absence of such socially enforced duty consciousness many men would tend to simply move about amongst the female population, enticing them into sexual relations, and then abandoning them in favour of the next ‘conquest’. Such an arrangement, or better stated, lack of one, leads to social havoc, with many unsupported single mothers with children who lack the disciplining and protective influence of a present father figure. Thus marriage and all it’s binding duties is considered an essential and foundational component of any civilised human society.
MARRIAGE AS A STEPPING STONE ON THE PATH OF TRANSCENDENCE
From the spiritual perspective, marriage is considered, in addition to the above considerations, an institution of purification. The idea is, firstly, that instincts of selfish gratification are of the lower nature, and must be purified by taking full responsibility for the fruits of ones actions. Secondly, the instinct of sexual attraction arising from the carnal embodiment of the pure soul (conscious animating force), and all the projected dreams of fulfilment that go with it, are considered fundamentally illusory in nature, in that they lead to no substantial and lasting satisfaction of the true self, but rather to the bondage of false identification with the temporary body as the self.
By getting the experience that comes with following the process of initial attraction to sexual intercourse, to child birth, to child raising, to finally watching the offspring reach full maturity and independence in the world to pursue a identical course of events, one gets realisation of the true nature of the sexual appetite, as opposed to the unconscious fantasy idea that sex is an activity of pure pleasure unfettered by consequence or responsibility.
Also, surrounding the sexual/erotic drive are many emotional fantasies, in the form of romantic ideals of an emotional/spiritual union of between 2 people. The experience of getting married and following ones romantic attractions through to their conclusion, without prematurely abandoning ones commitments in pursuit of a fresh attraction, gives one concrete realisation of the true nature of the phenomenon of male/female attractions. As is the case with all fantasies, the persistent observer discovers that the concrete experience does not match the initially projected fantasy of romantic fulfilment. Thus by experiencing reality, ones understanding of the true nature of desire and worldly existence is clarified, and a natural detachment arises, catalysing a factual desire for transcendence.
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